Intact Yet Out of Whack

I am considering, once again, going off my medication. Yes, I am stable. Yes, I am reliable. Yes, my creativity is still intact but I am bored with life. Typically I am full of life. Loads of passion. I’ve been called animated. Charismatic even. All of those compliments go by the waist side when I am medicated because all of those characteristics are out the window when I am medicated. The only way I know how to feel like myself is to stop taking the antipsychotic I take. I, of course, would then up my antidepressant to help with my symptoms. Dare I say I’d rather be crazy than boring any day! There. I said it. And I mean it.

The only part about taking medication that I can tell a difference is my reaction to life. Perhaps since I have acknowledged this I can now work on it. I have an emotional reaction, physically to everything but guess what?? I am used to it. That is how I was created and voiding me of it depresses me significantly. I will continue taking my antidepressant as that helps keep me alive. Really. And I will monitor myself to make sure I don’t start rapid cycling. Damn. Typing that makes it all so real. I have rapid cycling bipolar 1 with psychotic tendencies. Fuck.

Maybe I should stop all medication and crawl in a hole. Ugh!

I spend 90% of my time in bed. The other 10% is spent at work. No, I am not sleeping all that time but I am stuck in bed. Nothing excites me anymore. I need to explore. I need to move my body. I need to shake the 30 pounds I’ve gained from this damn medication. I need to feel like myself 😒 I try not to rant very often but I need to get this off my chest and out of my head. I need to find a solution but is there one? I don’t think I will find resolve considering my circumstances and that sickens me.

I’ve had no motivation to keep up with Monday Morning Mantra. It sucks I can’t even find the umph to do something once a week. Last week I used the excuse, It’s Fourth of July to not post and this week I have no excuse. It’s me. That’s all. Ironically I have been creating a lot. I don’t feel like I’ve been bit by the creative bug more so I am using up materials I’ve acquired. That was a goal for 2022 so maybe I am on track with something.

Having a new puppy is a lot of work especially when the pup is the jealous type. Grrrr. She’s giving me a run for my money so to speak. How do you teach a pup personal space? I’ve been spoiled by my 12-year old dog. He is a Maltese and as laid back as they come. Well the new pup seems hellbent to force him to play tug of war by chin checking him with a toy in her mouth. He’s old and wants nothing to do with her. He gives in every once in a while but for the most part wants to be left alone. She requires attention 100% of the time and frankly, I don’t have it to give. Not at 100%. We ordered her a training collar with a beep, vibrate, and shock setting. We haven’t had to use the shock setting because the vibration and beeping are working, temporarily. She doesn’t seem to retain discipline. It’s been difficult to say the least.

I have been on YouTube a lot lately. I like to watch videos of art journaling, stationery hauls, and anything else to do with paper 😂 It calms my active mind. I’ve also watched a few Netflix specials.

I don’t know how to process mundane. It’s too slow for me. I don’t even know what I mean by that but tis how it is. Let’s see how things go. I have a doctors appointment on the 18th so I can increase my antidepressant. We will see what happens 🤓 I ain’t scared 😉 I have the tools I need to succeed 😝 *shakes head* Don’t ask me. I’m off to treat myself to a yogurt with fruit, honey, and granola. Yummy!

19 Replies to “Intact Yet Out of Whack”

  1. It sounds like your depressed and need a change in your meds vs. no meds.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. joyroses13 says:

    (((HUGS))) Hoping you can work something out with your meds that will make you feel better. Maybe just lessening the strength that you take now would help before going off completely. Keep watching the things that help you relax! My daughter loves to color in those adult coloring books to help her.
    Yes, puppies are adorable but oh so much work! Good luck with the collar helping.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. That sucks that the antipsychotic affects you that way.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Monch Weller says:

    Hoping that things turn out for the better on your end!

    (Also, many thanks for following The Monching’s Guide! Couldn’t find an About section, so I’ll just leave this here if you don’t mind.)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. strangelings says:

    i hear you on meds. (i’m on a lot of them- i mean none of it does a lot for the PTSD/DID stuff but- it helps symptoms. we’re working on slowly lowering doses/number of things just for less complexity between medical and psych- i’m supposed to be lowering my prazosin which is for nightmares which is- scary. on the other hand, maybe i’d be less fatigued is the idea). i’ve been on meds that just-flattened me (Lithium was like that, as a secondary antidepressent. so were a few others). it- it’s really hard, and i think it’s reasonable to not feel ok with that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you taking the time to read and comment. I am hopeful I will get things worked out. Sounds like you are familiar with the medication situation. Nightmares suck but so does lack of sleep.

      Like

  6. Anonymous says:

    Wellllllll I’m glad you didn’t shock my niece with the shock collar. If she tells me you shocked her, I will spank you! She’s only a baby! Now, as for the meds and being bored…I think you should see if they can be lowered and not get off them completely. I take an antidepressant and am numb to being sad. I don’t cry. I do laugh. I rather not cry then to deal with anxiety. I freaking freak out when I have anxiety.

    Sign, girl other

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Luna Phoxx says:

    I think it’s normal to go through periods where we lose motivation to do things. Sticking to a weekly content creation project can be especially tedious, IMHO! And puppies are a fuck-ton of work!
    Have you ever tried Yoga With Adriene? She’s my favorite yoga YouTuber. Her videos are beginner-friendly and good for the body, mind, and soul. Moving our bodies DOES help. It’s like an energetic reset. Napping works great, too.
    If yoga isn’t your thing, might I recommend queuing up three of your favorite songs and dancing your heart out?? Science says that shaking your booty releases more endorphins than the same amount of regular aerobic exercise.
    Good luck with your doctor’s appointment! I hope you get your meds sorted out in a way that supports the lifestyle you desire ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. girlieboy69 says:

    This is really interesting. I so. get it. How we are is deeply tied. to a natural state…and it is unavoidable that a sense of self is founded in this, for good and bad…the challenge is to find the right balance. I wish you well in this, as it is a lifelong search.

    Liked by 1 person

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