Late February and early March I was struggling with my outlook on life. I am happy to announce that I have turned a corner and no longer see things
too pessimistically. I was beginning to worry as Spring is the worst for my S.A.D. (Seasonal depressive disorder). I’m not in the clear yet but things are looking up.
I missed Monday Morning Mantra this week because I didn’t wake up until 2:45 pm which is insanity! That was followed by more sleep as I slept through the night. I knew when I woke Tuesday morning that I could not make it to work. I called in and took my butt to the doctor. After two shots in the hip and two scripts, I am feeling more like myself. I have been able to find the motivation to take care of some personal tasks such as getting new tires and paying my car note. Each of which is gratifying yet sucks.
Despite my crabbiness and illness, I am relatively hopeful. I no longer feel weighed down by boredom. For that I am grateful. Now on to taking care of taxes. Meh. I didn’t file 2020’s taxes because I didn’t work but I did get unemployment so I will file that with this year’s measly earnings. That’s always fun.
I’ve recently thought about participating in Blogging from A-Z which begins in April. I read the instructions and it seems simple enough but I do not believe I have the time to dedicate to it although that’s my reason for wanting to give it a go; to make time for blogging. I’ve slacked a lot when it comes to blogging. My analog system has become my primary writing space which I wrangled for years to upkeep but now that that is routine, blogging has taken a backseat. As I read over this update I realize that I severely lack any focus. That can be a big contributor to why I’ve not been blogging much as well. I don’t like being all over the map and I have been for some time now.
I have had a difficult adjusting period with my new medication. It works. So good I could be the posterchild of advertising, however, I am void of any personality. I guess that is ok for the masses but I quite enjoy being a big personality so come next month I am going to chat with my GP about reducing my dose so I can feel a little more like myself. I’ve mentioned this before but April can’t seem to get here soon enough. That sentence alone I’ve never spoken as April has a reputation for taking me down, literally. Perhaps if I welcome it, it will be kinder to me. Who knows? We’ll see.
As far as falling behind on blogging is concerned, I am happy to say that typing this post has helped me to be less hard on myself. The difference between an analog system and blogging is the editing aspect which apparently I need. Last September 2021, I entered the hospital to stabilize. I haven’t been hospitalized in 10 years. Immediately after discharge, I was scheduled for a hysterectomy. The procedure itself went smoothly but the healing time was extensive. I was released to work on November 8th and I obtained employment on the 10th. I had a somewhat lengthy training because my hire-on was in the midst of the holidays but once that was complete, I’ve been busting ass four days a week since then. I was hired on as part-time but it rarely feels like it because of the amount of work involved per shift. I feel my age more than ever. I made it through Christmas and New Year intact and have rolled into now March but not without exhaustion, obviously.
As I added today’s date to my journal, I was taken back that St. Patty’s Day crept up on me without my realizing it. My father is an Irish immigrant and traditionally I celebrated my heritage decked out in green and glam. Let’s not forget the alcohol I consumed to make my celebrating proper. Well, it has been six years since I’ve drank myself into oblivion in the name of being of Irish descent and for that, I am truly humbled. Next month marks seven years of sobriety from alcohol. That blows my mind. In my days of struggling to get sober, I found it best to not count my days of sobriety as I had a tendency to celebrate and then start over counting. A counterproductive system I had in place. When I did away with the counting I was able to accumulate enough days to finalize my sobriety. Now here I am a month shy of seven years and I have no words to describe the journey. Actually, I do but I fear someone in early sobriety reading this saying fuck it because of my experience so I’ll keep it to myself. I will say the outcome has been worth the arduous journey.
I suppose ultimately this post was for myself as I’ve worked through some things differently than I am able to in my journal. It’s a bit all over the place so if you didn’t make it to the end, I understand. I am working toward finding my center and I appreciate your reading despite the lack of purpose. I suppose this post is a great example of mental illness trying to find its normal. Its place in this world. And for those that struggle too, I hope this post shows you that you are not alone. Every day isn’t all bubbles and butterflies. Sometimes it is just editing.
How have you been getting along?? Are you ready for Spring?