Sleep eludes me. My mental state seems to be deteriorating. It’s midday and I am taking seraquil to sleep. The sun shines bright but I don’t have much fight left to care. I am on day three of being off. I return to work tomorrow but today is exhausting. I haven’t done anything in a month. My life is an endless stream of unmotivated boredom. It’s days like today I wish I could wash away. I don’t like the thoughts that occupy my mind. They are bleak. All I want to do is sleep. So. I medicate. This isn’t the solution, I know. But I’ve already swallowed it whole. I feel out of control.
This cloud of numbness is familiar but dayum, will it ever go away? I feel like a slave to my moods. Each and every day. I question my discipline. I shit on motivation. I cuss my existence. Am I being overdramatic? Possibly. The news of a good friend being hospitalized hit me harder than expected. Perhaps because I myself am feeling low. I don’t know but I do hope she is able to find some resolve. Or relief.
I am not political. I do not watch the news. I do not do social media. Yet the news of war has reached me. Why? I am not asking you that per se but really, why? I feel the effects of it. I am sickened to even think that killing people is ever a good solution. It isn’t so why? Ugh. I’m done with that part. In fact, tomorrow is a new day. I’ll wait to see if what I have to say makes better sense.
New day. Same questions yet a better mind frame from which my thoughts stem. Today I am grateful for positive thinking. Instead of getting caught up in the why’s I am shifting my focus to the present moment. Right now. And right now, I feel better. I am grateful to have slept and found some relief from consecutive days of gloom. Is it just me or do days of dread last longer than days of joy? It seems that way. My head space wasn’t good at the beginning of this post, at all. As much as I hate putting negativity out into the ethereal, I had to get it out. Those ruminating thoughts are the thoughts that eat me alive if I let ‘em.
I began this post Monday and it is now Friday. Today is significantly lighter. What did I do? Nothing to write home about but I did carry my journal with me yesterday for some journaling and sketching on the go. I enjoyed it and will continue to carry it with me. That’s a small win. The sun is out after multiple days of rain, fog, and moisture in the air. That is a sign of better days ahead. Yay!
I am happy to end this rant of sorts on a better note. If your days have been a struggle I hope that today you are able to set your troubles down, take a look around, and be present. I know that that too can be a bit of a battle but wherever you are, you can do it. You deserve it. Take a deep breathe. Exhale. Repeat. That’s where I’m at today. How about you?