If I am lucky, you are an original seedling here in theGarden and you may remember that with each new year I choose a word to guide my year. No worries if you are a new blossom because I will catch you up to the harvesting ‘round here!! Y’all ready?
I do not do the whole resolution trend. I do my best to steer clear of failure. A little F.Y.I. 80% of resolutions are broken by February! That’s an astounding percentage of shattered goals in a short two months! On a more personal note, because of my path of healing, 2021 did not have a word, however, there is one to sum it up; persistence.
Insert; A Quick Backlog of My Process of Healing
I recently mentioned that the task of releasing attachments is at the forefront of my focus. Having let go of so many material things yet deciding my studio supplies/materials a positive aspect of stuff and “keepable” ☺️, I have arrived at somewhat of a dilemma. What’s that? Well, I’ve nothing left to release!! I began this post with the clever idea of claiming release as 2022’s word but after bringing reality into this idea I realized how not so clever of an idea it is.
The release of material objects seemed to naturally assist in the release of the emotional baggage I held tight to. While it was a natural process it wasn’t pretty by any means. The discovery of my shadow side blindsided my world of love and light. Through the healing process, I learned that while my intentions appear generous, my motive was selfish. More often than not, self-loathing. Yes, doing for others is admirable but not if it is at the expense of your mental health.
Sheesh, y’all…there is SO MUCH growth in that paragraph. Tears stream down my face as I acknowledge my truth. Tears of pride. For someone who loves so strongly yet to discover a seed of hate within themselves, for themselves…shit!!! All I can say is it was an arduous journey I wasn’t positive I’d see the other side of. Because of my persistence, I succeeded. I overcame. Most importantly, I released the lies of trauma. I let go of the not-so-glamorous opinions I held about myself. I released the blatant lies of projection. Wow!! Such a heavyweight, gone. I feel it too. In the tears that roll down my face. In the thoughts that occupy my mind. In the way, I do for others. And most significantly, in the way I see myself.
I didn’t expect this post to go this way. Hell, I thought I was gonna type up a simple one-word-focused post and be on my way. Perhaps there is a lesson in that. Release expectation in myself.? Maybe. Hmmm.
Okay. Back to “business”
Where was I? Oh yeah… Word for 2022.
The purpose of my word for the year is to guide my year, challenge me, and teach me how I can contribute to achieving my true-to-self desires. The irony in that is that sometimes when we are constantly doing, we miss out. In previous years my word motivator was action. To do. Now that I am standing on the other side of who I became, I know the importance of being. Knowing the importance and being are two different things though.
Therein lie my challenge and my word for 2022; be. Of all things I began this post thinking it would be, it is the opposite. Imagine that.
Being is about acceptance. Not blaming another or picking someone else apart rather accepting that alone you are whole and fallible. One with where you are (mentally, emotionally, physically), how you feel, what you think, what you do, etc. Being isn’t going to be an easy task for me to conquer. My imagination stretches realities and into infinity so being present will require quite a bit of willpower on my behalf.
Disassociated states are where I’ve existed the majority of my life. If you aren’t familiar with disassociation, think of it as disconnected. Like a void you place between yourself and the present moment. This void separates you from presence, from relationships, and from connections. It is as if you watch yourself interact instead of being a part of the interaction.
It was in 2020 that I accepted disassociation. I learned this as a trauma coping mechanism. Long story. Once learned I continued using it as a defense mechanism to not allow anyone close.
Unaware of its frequency and harm, I continued this tactic while trying to heal. It didn’t work. I kept being met with the same emotional battles. Until I allowed myself to feel. Honestly feel. In short, this is where I am today. I guide myself into feelings with a gentleness I didn’t possess prior. Now that I am aware of my mind’s trick I can monitor it. Perhaps because of the holidays, I find myself more disconnected than usual.
Sooooo. Stick around and let’s see how this goes!!
P.S. Those of you who subscribe to receive theGarden, my “newsletter”, I have been locked out of that account due to not having access to the phone number or email associated with the account despite having the correct username and password 🤔😤 I plan to contact support. If they do not give me access, I will begin a new account. Annoying as it is, please consider subscribing to the new and improved Garden newsletter. I would be saddened to lose any of you although excited about incorporating more frequent communication utilizing email. Keep an eye out for future posts for the 411😊