Happily Grateful or Gratefully Happy
Today I woke full of gratitude. I’d say comparable to happiness. More often than not it seems success is attached to happiness. That feels to me like expectation or pressure. This ah-ha moment occurred following a reader’s comment.
A follower of mine questioned if depression is her muse which explained perfectly what I’ve struggled to link with my self-expression as a writer. In my earlier days of blogging, I confessed to feelings of guilt when I felt happy. I wouldn’t dare blog about being happy. To do so felt like bragging and if not that then acknowledging it would most definitely jinx it. It wasn’t until I began blogging I realized this about myself. Putting things out into the universe is different from keeping them to yourself.
My analog journals echo depression and sorrow. There are months in between entries. I assume days of contentment. Earlier days of R.O.E. didn’t look much different. Soooo… I set out to change the way I journal. I never intended my journaling to be a bitch-fest or for my blog to appear dismal but woe is so.
I decided I prefer my journals to reflect emotion. All emotions. The good, the bad, the ugly as they say. I knew instinctively if I were mindful to adjust my journal writing that in turn, my blog would evolve. I could then be more authentic and relatable. Not a one-and-done expression of emotion.
This remains a work in progress but there is noticeable progress!! I see it and I am acknowledging my growth as a writer/blogger 🤓 I am proud of this accomplishment. I suppose the correlation between gratitude and happiness is pride in myself and there is where I detect the most growth.
I am not a boastful person. Never have I been full of pride because shame cast a shadow blanketed with doubt. Yet as 2021 grows to its close, I am grateful to exist in a space I’ve battled to be in. An existence that facilitates growth and encourages adaptation, change. It’s a forgiving, fearless zone built on a foundation of boundaries without self-imposed restraint. I reward myself with recognition instead of seeking validation. If I struggle with conditioned behaviors, I am in a safe space to ask for assistance. Setting boundaries, freeing myself from a life lived in parental projected shame, and forgiving myself for self-limiting beliefs hasn’t made for the smoothest journey. A self-loathing war turned peaceful resolution isn’t something you typically read about.
Farewell 2021. Helllloooo 2022!
I do not make new year’s resolutions. I typically choose a word to guide my year, however, I can not recall any word, thought or goal heading into 2021 so no need to elaborate there.
Moving forward 🤓
2022 will be the year I focus on releasing attachments. 2020 wiped much of the material baggage away. 2021 detoxed my life from toxic beliefs. And 2022 is sure to free me. My transformation has taken time. Parts, painful. It challenged me in ways I can not put into words. I experienced delusion and mass confusion.
I survived, again except this time, I reward myself by acknowledging my endurance, allowing myself to be vulnerable, and standing up for myself, and to myself.
My transformation was lengthy and disorienting. I was perplexed. Ultimately, I arrived at the purpose being about my relationship with myself. I was challenged to seek within (All of this blows my mind btw). Something so simple took so long for me to decipher. While I don’t have it all figured out, I now at least have good orderly direction.
In less than 24 hours many Americans will gather around the table to feast. Trashcans will soon overflow with leftovers and I can’t help but think of the hungry in our country. I think of those in poverty or without family who will not share the same joyful, gluttonous holiday feels. If not tomorrow, then choose any day to feed someone in need. No one should ever go hungry. Open yourself up to the gift of giving. You will be sure to receive.
A side note; Happy Thanksgiving