Hey O!! How y’all do’n? Good, I hope. I haven’t perused Word Press in awhile but I will assume there will be many posts similar to this one…but…they won’t be mine, so…different 😀
If you have been around this camp for any length of time you know that I have been on a kick to do things differently. The only purpose this serves is for opening up my experiences by saying yes to things or ideas I would normally say no to. It isn’t exclusive to yes or no options rather instead of going left, I am trying right…so on and so forth.
No resolutions here
I for one do not make resolutions. Have you seen the stats about those?? I’m not a gambling woman but with 80% of resolution-setters failing to adhere to their new weight loss plan or behavior modification by FEBRUARY, yes, the second month, I’d say the odds aren’t in my favor. I do, however, chose a word to implement in some shape or form and 2020 is no exception. Lucky you I will share my word for the upcoming year but not just yet!
Twenty for 2020
As the title suggest, I have 20 somethings for 2020 that I would love to share with my fellow bloggers, friends, audience…ya know – Y’ALL 😉 20 what? Okay, okay…I’ll spill the tea. Drum roll, please
Presenting 20 for 2020: a listicle of 20 activities/ideas I hope to knock out in the new decade!!
1. Comfort Volunteer
In 2020, vow to myself to align with a volunteer program or figure out what exactly must be done so that I may volunteer comfort to an addicted newborn. An added bonus would be if I just so happened to meet the mom. I’d offer her a hug.
Jus say’n – Typing that caused my stomach to plummet, my heart pause a beat, and my throat to water. I wish I could offer her hope but it’s a pretty fucked up place out there for alcoholic/addict stigmatized moms. Unforgiving is what comes to mind…
2. Discover nature
Once upon a time, I was an avid tent camper. I have done so, successfully may I add, with three pre-teens for 10 days + myself, Jbaby and my ex.
Well not in 2020, damn it!!😂
I am going to kayak through a bayou that is close to where I have moved. Hmmm, yup – there are gators!! Yikes, for real, for real. My boyfriend (say’n that is so weird – lol) has a brand new kayak and ore that he is dying to row in some water and I am gonna join him. This entails purchasing my own and getting my ass in da boat (in my best coon ass accent).
Something I intend to keep in mind with each action on R.O.E.’s Twenty for 2020 is to keep costs minimum. For the one’s that include a purchase, the money will be set aside overtime to avoid splurge spending.
3. Conversation Starter
In 2020 I plan to initiate conversation with my family members. I have a fairly small immediate family which includes myself, child, Ma, one sister, one brother, a sister-in-law, and my niece and nephew. While we are close, we do not maintain contact as often as I would like. This isn’t for any underline reason or resentments as much as it is that as individuals we just don’t communicate openly and unfortunately that bleeds over into our family creating a lack there of.
I am speaking on behalf of myself. Some of the others talk more frequently and we all go through our phases. I acknowledge my lack of stay in touch game and in 2020, I will improve by initiating more conversation within my fam circle. I do know I love them deeply and I realize it is important for me to verbally express that to each of them. They deserve to hear it ❤
This next one is a doozy!
4. Practice self-control
It may come as a surprise to some of you but my entire life has been
wasted spent bucking the system. What system? Any system. Why? Because I have an issue with authority and following another’s ideas or rules has never set well with me…considering we are all equal.
In a sense, this can be considered unruly but often times can be self-sabotage. After 41 years I figure it’s due time I begin looking after myself in healthier ways.
5. Increase my analog system
Seeing as though I have an obsession with stationery, not to mention the therapeutic benefits of writing, I shall attempt to designate time to dedicate myself to mindfully write. This will help reduce my enormous paper collection, keep record of my chaotic life, and serve as a reminder for future growth – among a variety of other things.
I am being realistic about the fact that I cannot go 100% analog due to the conveniences offered by transportable technology, therefore, I will begin weekly.
6. Express gratitude
Let me get real honest with myself and admit that while I am grateful for many things, I do not have an attitude that supports gratitude. There. I said it. Shamefully so.
But…guess what? My daughter just so happened to gift me the cutest gratitude journal, ever, for Christmas. I was thrilled to open and see this slim, simple journal. I have already began to use it. It is placed on our coffee table so that I remember to write in it each morning.
7. Create naturally
I am hesitant when it comes to creating because I my style of doing so was not nurtured. Anytime I would complete something I was told that someone would appreciate my style. I turned this inward as my art was not good enough.
Well, I’m shutting that shit down in 2020 and plan to let go of perfection while expressing myself. And hopefully, someone will appreciate and relate to my creations but if not, who cares?!?!
In the upcoming year, I am going to record my daily take-home tips. We pay a percentage to the bussers and bartender which is deducted from our tips. This way I am better able to monitor where I stand financially instead of scrounging last minute for the bill that is due.
I make good money for where I am currently employed but I haven’t kept a record of my earnings. I must start doing so to evaluate if it is worth the 40-minute drive. There are a few places closer to where I have moved that I plan to apply for but haven’t due to playing catch up on a few bills. That is the ultimate goal of my recent move.
I will increase my water intake. Let me rephrase that…I will drink water in 2020. At best, I drink a bottle of water a week. I realize this is terrible for my health and it is beginning to show in the condition of my skin. My plan is to drink two bottles a day and increase over time to where I am drinking at least six bottles a day.
My cloud photo storage is outta control. Anytime I find myself with downtime I will work to delete duplicates, out of focus photos, and any memes that I have saved but no longer want. An extension of this mission will be to create folders to categorize my insane stash for easy retrieval.
This will apply, spillover if you will, to organizing my Google Drive documents as well as Docs. This will be an extensive task and one I have attempted to do but have yet to conquer.
My paper obsession reached its apex in early 2019. I have not purchased any to add to my collection, however, it continues to grow. It is my intention to designate a box that I empty once a week during my creative session.
The destash will also be used for future products such as embellishments, additions to journal packages, so on and so forth. I will cut the scraps to more manageable sizes. My hopes are that this will not only use the paper(s) but also manage storage organization better.
11. Stain prevention
Coinciding with number eight, I would like to decrease my caffeine consumption. I will begin with coffee considering I only introduced it on a daily basis two years ago. The main reason for my desire to do so is cosmetic. I am fortunate that smoking cigarettes for two decades hasn’t stained my teeth worse than they are but having added coffee to the equation, I notice a ting of brown stain on my pearly whites.
That’s where I draw the line! On average, I have four cups of coffee a day. Two in the morning and two in the evening. I have already begun reducing that number and currently, I am at two in the morning.
Can I go ahead and admit that, only halfway through my list, I am overwhelmed? Making this list feels a little like a setup. A set up for failure but I am going to push through. This list is not for strict adherence rather a guide to keeping me focused on what I aim to achieve in the long run.
Another blogger once recommended that I read the book The Body Keep the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, and only on chapter three, I am convinced that talk therapy does not work for me; obviously
I have been referred to a therapist who practices EDMR therapy and from reading the book, I feel that approach would work best for me and the future of my recovery.
14. Monitor my perspective
It’s said that when we live a life of gratitude, our perspective tends to change. While an optimistic attitude is something I possess, I also have a tendency to attach to negative energy. When I prepare for the future my outlook leans toward idealistic yet retrospectively I sway toward pessimism.
My intentions for 2019 were to discover myself and forgive those who I held resentments toward. Discovering myself led to learning to love and forgive myself. I’m not there yet but I realized much of how I perceive life is filtered through my history with abuse.
It is my personal belief that in order for me to recover and live life fully, I must have a change in perspective. I must acknowledge the ill lens in which I view interactions, intentions, and communication between myself and others. Recognizing this about myself has been a struggle yet evident. A change is crucial for any continued growth ( a huge shout out to my boyfriend for his patience in this area).
More often than not I am in constant motion. I’ve read that when people keep busy it is usually related to uneasiness within. Well…I can relate to that statement. It resonates with me. I am emotionally unstable making the fear of diving any deeper within scary as fuck.
My solution is to sit still with myself. To cry the tears that need to be cried, although, I have no clue where they are to come from. Tear shed is part of this process and while I am unsure of what I will find the deeper I get, I am courageous and worth it.
My heart is charitable but calloused. My efforts exhausted into those who refuse to invest in themselves – leaving me to see the reflection I mirror. A lyric I’ve mentioned before, “Looking for heaven I found the devil in me”, by Florence and the Machine is best I can describe this growth and recovery period of my existence.
I will no longer allow past trauma to be an excuse for myself continuing to fuel a vicious, relentless, and tragic cycle.
2020 will be the year I practice consistency. Routine and structure are something that I function well with and in order for me to gain consistency I must employ the two.
Anyone who suffers from any form of mental illness (or is in substance abuse recovery) can benefit from having order in their life. In my opinion, if there is none, there is chaos and with chaos comes a multitude of unhealthy behavior patterns. I will once again attempt scheduling. This year it’ll surely work, right?!?!
17. Photography hobby
As far back as I can remember, capturing nature and life’s moments has brought me joy. During the darkest times of my life, I quit taking pictures. There is a part of me that regrets that but instead of dwelling I will cherish the photos I have. I am referring to the ones that have actually been developed from a camera.
My photography aspirations for 2020 are to learn how to use the DSLR camera that my sister-in-law loaned me some time ago as well as the new phone I recently purchased. I have upwards of 50,000 photos in the “cloud”!! Once those are decluttered and sorted, I plan to begin sharing my shots with y’all 😀
18. Practice patience
Patience is a virtue that I have worked on consistently for five years now. The bits that I have earned convince me that, 1. I still have a ways to go and 2. it is required for maintaining healthy relationships. Above all, I must learn to have patience with myself. I wasn’t aware that I developed as many unhealthy behavior patterns that I have.
If I am certain about anything it is that I am fortunate to be here. The environments I have subject myself to have not been the safest, healthiest, or friendliest. Basically, I have lived in survival mode since the age of 19, therefore, adapting to such unhealthy ways. It is going to take constant effort and awareness on my behalf to break these learned tactics.
19. For sale!
Ok, ok…let me go easy on myself by admitting I’ve had one hell of a year. I survived emotional pain I never thought one could endure, I moved out of my Ma’s, I quit my steady job, and the biggest surprise of all – I got a boyfriend. All the while I am preparing (emotionally) to send my daughter away to college, unpacking my previous life, active alcohol life, from storage, and learning about taking someone elses feelings into consideration.
I don’t care who you are, that’s a lot!
So…with that said, I will enter into 2020 having not sold anything that I have created…and that’s okay. In less than 24 hours we begin a new calendar year and it is my mission to sell my first series of handmade journals. The journals that I create take time but more than that I have put my heart and soul into each one as a piece of the series and as a stand alone journal.
My first series of journals has been in the works for some time now but with all that I have on my plate, they have been placed on the back burner. The covers are ready to be filled, the papers are cut and cornered, and lastly, they wait to be combined, bound, and embellished.
My creative journey didn’t evolve as naturally as planned – imagine that- however, exposing traits of perfectionism and self-doubt. Life has a funny way of presenting the character defects that hold me back. That is if I have enough patience to push through whatever the detour is. I am a self-proclaimed quitter, ya know.!?
Jus say’n: A little throw back insight – when I accidently discovered Word Press, my one and only mission was to not quit. I taught myself the basics of website development by pushing buttons. Once I realized things weren’t breaking, I kept pushing buttons and I did so from my phone. A few months later, I casually mention my limited visual experience of the blogging world, sharing that I do so (blog) from my phone. I began this life altering journey of sharing raw truths about myself in July of 2017 and by January of 2018, I received a laptop gifted to me from a fellow mental health blogger. And guess what??? I haven’t quit!
20. Love myself, more
Yeah, by the looks of
things life, this is likely to show up each year…more like, daily – as it should damn it!!! Anytime I imagined my future, my happiness felt self-fulfilled. It never onced crossed my mind that it may take someone else to show me what that looks and feels like. Happiness is fleeting but knowing your worth teaches you to value your opinions, your creativity, to embrace your unique traits.
In 2019, I learned that the root of 98% of my psychological issues stem from a lack of self-worth…that’s a stretch – nonexistent self-worth. Welp, as I enter into 2020 I am doing so with a partner who shows me that he loves me…and I am going to start there, following his example.
Happy New Year my dear friends!
I hope to keep the surprises and revolutions a’com’n!! Stay tuned, stay safe, stay sane and stay in your own lane!! Lmao
hmmm…notice anything?? Two things actually. I forgot 2020’s word and…?