They Get Me, They do
It’s crazy how I forget that I surround myself with some truly amazing people. Keep in mind that I am claustrophobic so it is a select few but damn, do they have great souls.!! It is disturbing that I have to have days like yesterday (Wednesday) to realize this but I am so thankful to be conscious of their greatness today.
Less is always more
Personally speaking, I can confidently say that I have never been friends with a large group of people. I am an extremely private person and require space; yes probably an abnormal amount but… I have found that most others are not like that, therefore, it becomes more of a hassle for me to maintain friendships. It has taken me the majority of my life to recognize this and learn how to set my boundaries so that others do not get offended or take my me-time personal.
The people who I am about to pay homage to not only respect my space and other boundaries but they also seem to know when it could become unhealthy for me to be alone. I enjoy my time alone and depending on what is going on within me, isolation is my go-to. These people notice my absence and for me, those are the people I need to keep close. Never do they accept my apologies because they check on me out of concern, not to remind me that I am a terrible friend. In fact, one of them that will be listed has been in and out of my life, most of my life, and we pick up without skipping a beat. As I type that I realize that is how all of my true friendships have been.
I’m not one to throw the term friend around loosely. I also do not think those I call friend should feel honored rather quite the opposite. Being of the unaffectionate type, I rarely express my admiration for my friends. I would like to think my actions speak for my lack of verbal expression but I am beginning to realize they may need to hear it. And they deserve too. I am not wired that way so it is a distant thought for me yet I am trying to be more … what’s the word? Oh, yeah…grateful for what I do have.
I am bringing this to the light because I have made a new guy friend (not toy). I have plenty of associates and even more enemies (many I don’t even know) but for me to gain a new friend, is out of the ordinary. We have been in the same circle for years now (see second paragraph) but it has only been in the recent month that we have really chatted it up. This has been an eye-opening 2 weeks in the sense of how much others really do not jive with my personality and how often I literally have to contort all of me for them to give me a chance.
It’s fuck’n with my livelihood but that doesn’t mean shit to the judgmental assholes. And that is what I am so utterly sick of…being fake to survive in a money hungry, ego-driven, insecure society – off that soap box…so…instead I have taken a step back to evaluate those that are there in my life and wow, they are the real MVP’s. I was meeting my new friend for lunch when I walked in his house and saw a mutual friend asleep on the couch. Immediately it took me back to my younger years and I realized exactly why my friends are my friends.
We have been there for each other when one of us were down, mentally or unemployed, without question, without doubt, without a time frame, without a hand out for reimbursement once they found their footing…without expectation.
Now that I have written that, there are two handfuls of people who I occasionally speak to (they have moved away or drifted) but the love remains. I’m not sure I should list names in fear I will forget someone but nope, I’m gonna do it. I’m going to list all of those who have been there for me throughout my life. Those who have accepted me and gave of themselves to me without expectation of something in return. Most of these folks do not even follow my blog or know about it but maybe one day they will stumble across it and see their name.
For those who consider themselves to have been there for me yet do not find their name listed, you were only doing for me because of what I could do for you. You are the people who I allowed to fade out of my life and when we run into each other, the whole interaction is fake! No apologies given or accepted. It is what it is.
Drum roll, please…
This isn’t to say that this list of people and I haven’t had our fair share of rumbles but what it does say is that our friendship has overruled any selfish, intoxicated, hangry, premenstrual induced arguments. And there is also a pretty big chance we didn’t start off as friends but that’s how realness goes. We ward off the fake and test the trueness of others. We do not stoop to the levels of society by judging and following the crowd. We stand out from the crowd.
I ignorantly discredit my sister as my friend and even disregard her attempts to lift my spirits. I noticed I do so over the past week. When I have had difficult moments she offers a listening ear and then she uses encouraging words to try to help me get past the moment. In my head and even verbally I tell her thanks but you only say those things because you are my sister. When I complain about taking on this journey called life, alone, I make sure to say, I know you are here but….. I realized how terrible this is because her acceptance means more to me than anyone’s. My sister is my number one fan. She spoils my child, she is who has helped me when I’ve been suicidal, in rehab – all eight times, and still to this day she is my numero uno. How dare I exclude her from any list of thanks.!!!
Felicia, I love you more than I will ever be able to express. You have loved me even when I didn’t love myself. Although you have helped me finically this go-round, that isn’t what this thanks is about (because I am doing your chores as payment-lmao). It is about all of the times no one has been there and without asking you show up. It’s for the hand me down clothes, for me and the other girls in rehab. It’s for loving your niece unconditionally. It’s for saving (literally) me more times than you realize. Thank you for accepting me when I wasn’t at my best and threatening you with a rip stick (yikes) to your face. This post could get really long if I kept going with all you’ve done for me. I apologize from the bottom of my heart for saying and thinking that you’ve only done so because you are my sister and feel like you have too – that isn’t true at all. I know in my heart you do so out of love. Thank You Felicia Annabelle – I Love You!!