Not An Option

An option or not?

Losing hope isn’t an option and yet it seems to be the first I let go of. I am worn out from trying to stay afloat. Complaining with no action is pity and that is where I am. I can’t seem to do anything about this phase and yet I am resisting it with all my might. I’m tired. Tired of bitching, tired of crying, tired of…life. My body is exhausted and my mind; blank. I do not know what to do next. I try to not focus on the shit storm that is my existence and yet that’s it. I vaguely remember my summers being this way but I have also been on antidepressants so maybe they haven’t been as bad as this. So, I am on day two of my antidepressants – again.

I have never minded taking them. It was the antipsychotic I wanted to quit and somehow ceased taking the antidepressant along the way. My sister has moved in and while I love her a ton, I’m not excited because it displaces my daughter from her room. She isn’t here that much but it takes away her personal space and she isn’t happy about it, to say the least. I’ve been trying to prepare her for this day but really how can one prepare for it? She will have her own space but it is a work in progress. I have done nothing in regards to help making her a space of her own because I physically cannot at this point because…fuck, I can’t. I’m broke.

I am sitting in my designated studio space and it is the first time I have sat here in a week or so. Sure I’ve sat here but immediately I get up. I have no inspiration. I want to create to release whatever this pain is but instead I get up. What bothers me the most at this point is that I have nothing of value to write about. I feel like Debbie Downer and I don’t like putting depressing shit out into the universe but it is my reality and if I only put out Polly Positivity, I’d be lying.

Shortly after typing the above paragraphs I laid down and slept…more. I guess I need it. It’s all I want to do and the last thing I want to do. My body feels like it is shutting down without my permission. People have a hard time believing our mental health affects our physical state but I am living proof that it most certainly does.

I am going to try and put out an S.Y.K. tomorrow but I have two appointments and Kid so no promises. I will reach out and ask that y’all keep me in your thoughts and thank you for any good, positive vibrations you can send my way. I need them. I will drink me some water and hang on for tomorrow. Let’s hope that gets me through because giving up is not an option.

18 Replies to “Not An Option”

  1. ashleyleia says:

    I hope the antidepressant starts to kick in soon. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Joshua Shea says:

    While I’m not one to often look to Jim Carey for mental health advice, he said something brilliant once on the Howard Stern show about periods he gets very depressed. He said if you say the word “depressed” the answer is right there. It’s “Deep Rest”. After my months long episode earlier this year (which included a major switch in meds), I agree that hardcore sleep and trying to be non-taxing on your brain is the surest way to recover. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Meg says:

    Oh my!! Please don’t beat up on yourself for being broke! Money is so inconsequential. You are a great mom! I’m hoping your daughter will be okay with the loss of space!! Like, seriously, I don’t go to work at all. I just collect government money. So please don’t be so hard on yourself!! I don’t necessarily agree that complaining with no action = pity. It’s an interesting insight, but I think sometimes we have to complain to be heard and to be understood. I don’t think that engaging in occasional, understandable self-pity (for lack of a better expression) is really a bad thing. In fact, my motto is: What the hell? Let yourself dwell. [Laughing at myself. But no, seriously, that’s my motto.] So please try to be more forgiving and accepting of yourself!! I sure hope things turn around for you again! You could be onto something that summertime depresses you! I have that issue with winter!! Keep us posted!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Meg. Your words truly encourage me to look at myself with less judgment. I am terribly hard on myself which I believe stems from the idea that I am not good enough. It’s funny though because when I think I am at my best is when most people seem to get offended. What is it about being happy that pisses people off?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Barb says:

    Take the time you need to rest. Sending love and light 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  5. amydwestphal says:

    Hang in there Candace. You got this 💖

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I swear there is something in the air lately… Just about everyone I have been following and reading is in the same boat. Tired, depressed, overwhelmed, and just plain in a nasty funk!
    Listen, by you releasing what’s on your mind, is not a pity party. You gotta get it out of your system somehow, suppressing all this is only going to make things worse.
    I hope that antidepressant helps you soon. I know, I have to go pick up my new one either today or tomorrow. It actually depends on me being motivated enough to get my ass in gear.
    Feel better, Candance. Remember, you’re not alone. 💗

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hang in there. Hope can be easily let go of, but is not easily lost.

    Liked by 1 person

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