I am trying not to beat myself up over the fact that much of what I wanted to accomplish this year is not happening. In my best attempt to remain optimistic about the future while not focusing on the future, I am struggling. Reality is setting in today as I sit here suffering from an extreme migraine.

I was forced to call out of work today due to a migraine and ever since waking, I have spiraled downward at a rate of speed that is not controllable. I feel like some most days I am pretending. Pretending that everything is ok when in fact, it is not. Yes I have listened to a life changing podcast but that does not erase 40 years of unhealthy coping skills. It does not undo the negative self-talk that repeatedly plays in my head and it will not remove this headache from throbbing or the clinching of my jaw or the fact I am just pissed off right now. At what? Everything. For being who I am. For allowing others to influence how I feel or dictate what I do, for allowing myself a day without work, whether that be at my job or for the things I do at home, even though I have been forced too by a headache.

It bothers me that I have spread myself so thin that I want to quit everything I’ve committed to (with one exception). It really fuck’n bothers me that I am considering publishing this post of nothing but bitching. I normally try my best to not put out ranting posts because there is plenty of that already but some days I feel as though I deserve one or two a year when in fact what exactly gives me this impression anyways?

Every thought I have comes with a contradicting thought. I feel like I am drowning in an ocean of self-pity when in fact I am in intolerable pain.. level 9 for those who would like a number, and my best bet is to go back to sleep but nothing will be accomplished by doing that either. But whatever happens today will be prevented from being accomplished by this nasty attitude and this screaming migraine. This screen is killing my light sensitive eyes.

Adding to the cesspool of shit I am currently in, my daughter has her first shot at a state title for track tomorrow and as it appears, I will not be able to attend. The event is four hours away. I took off of work for this but my migraines have a tendency to draw out over two sometimes three days. I cannot be anymore of a disappointment to her. I can’t take all of this. Not today, not today.

18 Replies to “5.3.19”

  1. Liz says:

    It’s been a very long time for me to have migraines at the extent you are having them, so I know how hard this would have been on your eyes and the possibility of your migraine dragging in to an extra more day or two. I hope this migraine goes for you soon and you are not too drained after its gone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Liz. It is difficult to describe that kind of pain. I have just woke up from a day of sleep. I am happy to report that it has subsided for the time being. I couldn’t be happier because I will now watch my daughter in her track race tomorrow. This is a once in a lifetime ordeal and I wasn’t going to miss it! The weather prediction for tomorrow is a whole new story. 90% chance of thunderstorms. The event is a 4-hour drive so if it gets canceled…oh, that will be annoying. Regardless I sit here with only a sore head instead of a migraine.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. ashleyleia says:

    keeping fingers and toes crossed that this migraine will be a short one.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. amydwestphal says:

    Man. I am so sorry. I get migraines too. Just in the last few years. They say I’m pre-menopausal? It’s so debilitating, days of pain and then that weird hangover. Fucking bullshit. That’s amazing about Kobi though. I hope u do make it. What do you take for them?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey Amy. I do not take but otc meds for them because of any of the prescription meds I’ve tried didn’t work. Mine is weather-induced – something to do with the barometric pressure. The storms have subsided for the time being but are forecasted to return throughout the night and through tomorrow. I have taken Advil, Tylenol, and Mucinex Max, today. I think pre-menopausal is likely for me too but I’ve dealt with this since high school. 🙁

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Meg says:

    Oh, gosh, I’m sorry. I hope you feel better ASAP!! Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Barb says:

    I’m sorry to hear that you aren’t doing well. But it *is* okay to take a day off sometimes when you need it, sometimes when you don’t! I only know secondhand what migraines are like; I do hope it subsides soon. 🌻❤️🌷

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow, both of us had a rough go of it last Friday. I too had a migraine that lasted through Saturday.
    I hope you are still not beating yourself up, Sweetie. You can not add pressure to yourself, or you will burn out. Please take care of yourself. Okay.

    Liked by 1 person

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