When reintroducing Revenge of Eve I made the decision to not get as personal. A lot of things contributed to this decision but as I sit here struggling, crying and…sad, I question if blogging is still beneficial for my mental health. I no longer compare my site to others but knowing some people read to be nosey sketches me out. Which in hindsight permits me from sharing the rawness of my life. That is why I became so immersed in blogging because it helped me to get it out. A bouns has been receiveing amazing support from the community and to be given the opportunity to see things differently.
As it stands I don’t feel the same about blogging as I once did. I knew this would happen. I’m not suggesting that I am giving up or quitting rather needing to reevaluate my why behind blogging. I lost it.
I want to talk about how I lost my shit on someone last night without being embarrassed. I’ve felt humiliated all day. And sad… Damn. I’m hurting right now and have nowhere to turn. As the tears stream down my face, it is as though they have been waiting for this moment. You know the tears you can’t hold back? They literally pour from your tear ducts, that type of crying. It is cleansing, healing and healthy.
Rejection & Reason
We discussed my Love Affair with Rejection and I had last blocked my friend’s number, right? Wrong. I would check the blocked message log and he would have called or text multiple times. I would reply a day later blah, blah. Playing head games with myself (he wasn’t even aware…damn, I’ve got issues). I believe I learned my lesson. I resorted to the me that disgusts me. Insulting, accusatory, jealous, insinuating, conniving…. This guy was an innocent bystander on my self-destructive path. No, he wasn’t any good for me but there was no need for all that. We’ve actually built a sort of friendship for over a year and I ruined all of that in one night. I didn’t want a relationship with him but I did enjoy our friendship.
I was shown that I am far from ready for a relationship. It feels a little like two steps forward, three steps back. But isn’t this what I wanted? No contact with him because of my attraction to rejection? Whelp, I got it. Knowing I could never look at him again, I deleted his number and late tonight he asked that I delete his contact. Done. Legit this time. And deleted the blocked messages so I couldn’t access his number through there, deleted recent call log, all of it.
Immediately instead of admitting “I am sad” I wanted to bring up all of the instances I had caught him in a lie but it wasn’t worth it because I’ve known all along what it was about. I said eff it, I told him I was sad, he didn’t care. I allowed his angry response as I felt that is what I deserved. Little does he know how mad at myself I am. How ashamed I feel about the way I acted all because I was told no. I didn’t expect him to react so angrily because I made sure to choose my words in a manner that my message got across without me saying the exact words. Ya know, the passive aggressive side of who I am.
Although there is a mix of old me and new me throughout the whole situation, I am proud that I took his response as his, not as a reflection of who I am. I owned my mistake and apologized regardless of my opinion on the words “I’m sorry” and I only uttered those meaningless words because I meant them. Most of all I am proud that I owned my feelings. Of course he doesn’t realize how big of a deal this is for me especially at this point in my life. I considered writing and telling him ( duh, I write better than I speak), but the last text I sent said, “Thank you. I hope you realize we all make mistakes”. I deleted our text thread.
I am sad about it all. The way I acted, the way he responded, his lack of forgiveness, the lesson in the mistake, and the way “it” ended. My list of friends to call on in times like these gets shorter each time I go back to it. My trust issues are being exposed and as of right now, I am a mess. A sad, lonely mess! Then I question if I have my blog to release all of this emotion too and I am met with, well, do you? Most certainly I have a journal I could write in privately but that defeats the need for feedback.
A New Dawn
Rereading over this I see how it helped to write it. After a day of thoughts chasing each other I wrote this and went to sleep. Waking I still feel emotionally hungover but I do feel better about the situation. That is all it takes sometimes. Writing things out, getting it out of your head and admitting once again you failed.
Failed in the sense that I acted as I did years ago before I decided to put effort into working on me. I didn’t realize how quick the nasty side of me could emerge but it did and the result wasn’t pretty. So today instead of beating myself up and reliving it all, I will do something I haven’t done in a long while. I am going to give myself a manicure and pedicure and lay in bed and watch a movie. I am always working on something, the blog, crafting or working. Not today. Today I am going to make it about me. I need pampering and well, I am all I have.
The Rainbow after the Storm
I was met with a surprise in my mailbox from Cyranny! I can’t wait to open it and see the goodies she picked up for me on her travels. Thank you sweet Cyranny. I appreciate you thinking of me along your travel journey.
Aww, Cyranny! Y’all, she had beautiful cards made up for her blogging friends and I feel so special to have been chosen to receive one. She also included a map and some other bits and pieces of tickets and a receipt. Many people use vintage ephemera in their artwork but I have begun adding the epherema I have received from my friends. While it isn’t yet vintage, it is treasured. I made the cutest card to slide next to my daughter’s picture in my Sophie, passport travelers notebook, using stickers and stamps from Ashley’s mail. I think it turned out really cute. The card itself is also something Ashley picked up while on vacation
If you happen to travel throughout the year, I would love to receive any paper you collect from your travels. Ideas are ticket stubs, brochures, stamps, pamphlets, maps anything you decide to keep and send 🙂
As far as getting too personal on my site, I don’t think it is so much that as it is being embarrassed for doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. That’s the definition of insanity. Here’s the thing though, I never realized I was doing these things until recently when I began to look for unhealthy patterns. I should not be ashamed to share that humanness side of me. That fear is something I was raised with, what goes on in our home stays in our home type mentality and I will push past that fear and share when I need to. This space is dedicated to my growth not what a perfect human being I am. It is here I am able to release all that no one in my world seems to understand, or better yet, I do not know how to communicate. So for whatever reason you find yourself reading my posts, do so with the knowledge that I am learning.