The only thing I can honestly say about relationships is that I have had my fair share of toxic, broken, manipulative ones. Looking at my situation from my point of view I am impressed that I survived. I am also impressed by my growth.
I put emphasis on growth because when it comes down to it, I am only attracted to the bad boys with a record and prison tatts. My interpersonal relationships have blossomed and produced fruits of love, laughter, and compassion…compromise. Yadayada.
But, is being single actual growth? Especially when I am not one to have intimate relationships in the first place and the ones I do have extend for years and years and years (they seem to drag out). My relationship record can be described using one word; painful. I do not have the best track record. Jealousy, greed, alcohol, lust….all the bad stuff, have ruled my idea of love.
The true progress can be seen in my interpersonal relationships with close friends and family. The most recent example of this would be the separation from my lifelong best friend. It was for me. Throughout the 30+ years of our relationship, I was the giver never to receive. Her selfishness became extreme and her sickness has grown. What sickness? Her mental state is deteriorating and she refuses to seek professional advice. It feels like abandonment but for the first time in my life I committed to sticking to my boundaries and did so.
What I find difficult is trusting myself with getting into a relationship. I don’t think I am ready but do we ever know when we are? I am perfectly content being
alone single. The only thing that is lacking is the obvious, sex. The abundance of sexually transmitted diseases makes it challenging to sleep with random guys. I was lucky and had a “friend” but he moved away and now there is one I have been talking to for a year, off and on, that I finally met up with. I know he is no good for me. I’ll say that.
At this moment I find myself more interested in giving dating chance but how does someone who has never “dated” date? Times are different from when I was growing up. I do not get out of the house enough to randomly meet someone and I don’t dare enter the shark infested waters of online dating. I am limited in my options. Honestly, when I think of having to care how someone else feels, I am turned off by the idea. It is exhausting to maintain a relationship (see paragraph one). If given a semi-decent man I am afraid I would ruin him with my lack of trust in the man species as a whole.
I don’t have faith there are good ones out there. I’ll be truthful and say even if there are, I wouldn’t be attracted to them (see paragraph two). Compromise seems like a great suggestion but for what? Compromise sex for the title? I couldn’t. Maybe if they were a reformed bad boy… At 40 years old I’m not too sure I have hope in the arena of intimate relationships.
I have always gravitated towards younger guys. But I don’t want to be older than my “other half”, anymore. I am ok with my age but I do not want to constantly be reminded of it. Realistically I am not yet whole and just began my journey towards self-love and it is possible I was the problem all along. I take credit for my role in the toxicity of my failed relationships but is that all it takes to move on? Acknowledging your role? I have a long road that awaits and the idea of a partner to join me both sounds tempting and repulsive.
Throughout my life, I have been more productive in being alone. Being in a relationship has been more of a distraction than anything. When I am in one I tend to lose myself, albeit I’ve not found who that self is. Perhaps the pressure I feel from deciding to discover who I am has subliminally planted the desire for a relationship and I am not falling for it!! I refuse to enter into a partnership with the mindset I’ve always had. It consumes me in an unhealthy way that leads to paranoia, jealousy, and often rage. It’s time I put all that effort into myself and not experience those dramatic emotions once and for all.
That fact I am now able to recognize all of this is where progress can be seen. I am pleased with that. It is enough. I am enough.